Sunday Shorts

Some Short Stuff

December 6, 2020

In order of favorite to least favorite:

  1. Baby giraffes
  2. Baby carrots
  3. My temper

The Husband would like me to add tadpoles, but there is some question on if they are short or just simply legless.

Thursday Thoughts

Forgot It Was Thursday Thoughts

December 3, 2020

“Don’t you have to be busy to forget things?” I don’t think I like your tone, Tony. I have a lot on my plate. Dog walks. Scheduled TV time. Bagels. Even though I am currently employed by my exhausting extracurriculars, I have managed to think some things. They are very important. I wouldn’t lie to you.

  1. ROBOT DOG BRUSH

The Husband and I have recently hired a robot vacuum for our home. It’s beautiful. Hardworking. Never complains and is always on time. Why aren’t there any robot dog brushes? Does no one else own part husky mixes? If it looked like an ant, my dogs probably wouldn’t even notice it existed! I shall call it the Ant-i Shed. It will be housed in a miniature shed. Patent pending. 

2. There should be more robots in general

I just had so many expectations for the future, which, I assume, is right now. Back to the Future promised real hoverboards. You know, ones that didn’t explode. Wall-E promised I would never be forced to walk again. Yet here I am, with only a SINGLE robot, walking on my own two feet like some chump. 

3. The Husband is currently planning an entire Robot Society.

It  starts with robot baby nail clippers. Robot nannies, for when the robot baby nail clippers inevitably cut a finger. Robot full service maid to pick up after the baby storm. The Husband wants me to add that the robots will be treated properly. Given breaks, food/charging time, love and attention. He is greatly concerned that the robots are reading this right now. 

Where my scientists and engineers at? I see absolutely no reason to hide from all our robot hopes and dreams. All the movies about the coming of the robot have been positive. Try to change my mind.

Sunday Shorts

Short Sunday

November 29, 2020

My one year old daughter is half my height. Is she really tall, or am I just extremely short?

Here’s a helpful life tip:

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday Thoughts

November 26, 2020

Every year, we are forced encouraged to share things we are thankful for. No matter how hard we try to be creative and heartfelt, it’s always the same, typical list: friends, family, happiness. Yada, yada, yada. I am here to share things we should actually be thankful for. 

  1. Indoor plumbing

Porta Potties are icky. Holes are complicated to dig. No one wants to brave the chilly 68 degree middle of the night winter air just to make a tinkle. Thank you, indoor porcelain throne! 

  1. Athleisure wear

Not only is it hip to dress like you’re going for a run, but no one expects you to actually go for a run. We are living in the future!

  1. Microwaveable meals

It is absolute magic that I can have a full on chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and a side of green beans without having to do any work. I know you might argue that these foods are not good for me, even when the box says it’s a “healthy choice.” But you know what else isn’t good for me? Trying to plan meals every single day. Why do we need to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? Whose idea was this? Thank you, microwaveable meals, for keeping me sane. 

  1. Naps!!!!!!!!!

I don’t nap very often, but it’s nice to know that I have the option. Any day, any time, I can drift off in a wonderful daytime dreamland. Anyone can! It’s okay! Go ahead and curl up in your cubicle. Keep doing this until you’re caught and are bestowed the title “Snoozin Susan.” 

  1. Cheese

I reject your bouquet of roses! You may romance me with a bouquet of Roquefort instead. 

  1. Netflix

Constant entertainment at the tips of our fingers? Yes, please! Even in the midst of 2020, new content is being released by the second. Although it also serves as a reminder that they can take anything away from us at any time. Goodbye, Monk. Goodbye, Friends. Goodbye, The Office. Actually, can I change this? Hulu. I’m thankful for Hulu. Hulu would never do us dirty, because their selection is crap anyway. It’s good to keep our expectations low. 

  1. Caffeine

Especially when it tastes like pumpkin. 

  1. Pig Latin 

You can learn an entire, new language in 10 minutes or less. Why isn’t this a foreign language option in schools? This is something I could have passed! 

  1. Stain remover

It is a true blessing to be able to eat spaghetti while wearing white. 

  1. Couches

Need a safe space to sit, nap, or climb? The couch has got your back. Possibly even literally. 

It’s time for me to enjoy a doze on my sectional in my feasting (or yoga, you don’t know!) pants. I leave you with this important question: if you were a chicken nugget, tender, or strip, which fast-food establishment would you be from and why?

Sunday Shorts

Short, Short Term Goals

November 22, 2020

I think it’s high time we shortly discuss my short term goals. Here are all the things I would like to accomplish, or perhaps even fall short at:

  1. Learn how to fold swan napkins. I suppose I could settle for ugly duckling napkins.
  2. Eat a donut. Try and stop me!
  3. Grow 1/4 of an inch without the use of dangerous GMOs or high heels.

If you would like to support me in my endeavors, you can donate via Cash App.

P.S. 4. Create a Cash App account

Thursday Thoughts

Late Night Thoughts

November 19, 2020

Please forgive the lateness of this post. I have been very busy pretending to be busy. Don’t ask me to elaborate. I am currently extremely busy thinking big thoughts. Important thoughts. Thoughts that have never been thunk before! Okay, fine. It’s one major thought, but there are a few little thoughts thrown in as well. 

The loss of the original (i.e. superior) MySpace has led to a major societal decline. 

I think we can all agree that MySpace was the peak of the World Wide Web. Posting chain bulletins, changing the music on your profile page, learning HTML to make glitter rain down on all your fans. It was a world of beauty. But the most important thing MySpace did for us was the Top 8. For those of you who are young and vibrant and have no understanding of this utopian website, a Top 8 is where you ranked your very favorite top eight friends. Here are some reasons why this was amazing:

  • It allowed us to let our friends know they were in BIG TROUBLE. 

Did Samuel make you sad? Did Danielle do you dirty? There’s no need to have a conversation with them. No need to slash their tires, steal their crushes, or eat all their whipped cream. Just simply put them in their place. And by that, I mean from spot two to three. They will get the hint. 

  • It forced us to prioritize.

In MySpace, there was no such thing as having multiple best friends. There is only one space for your Top 1. So who’s it gonna be, Kathy? Me or Taylor? MAKE A DECISION.

  • It made us feel popular.

Thank you for assuming I have at least eight friends, MySpace. And even if I didn’t, MySpace Tom was always there for me! 

Without the Top 8, we are all just running around mindlessly, wondering where we stand in the world. Does Husband even really love me? Will I ever truly know if my neighbor is mad at me for partially blocking their driveway with my trashcan? Do I even have eight friends? BRB, currently running around in circles, hoping Tom will save me. Oh, what a tangled Thursday World Wide Web we’ve weaved, team.

Sunday Shorts

Short Sunday Survey!

November 15, 2020

Happy near-ish Thanksgiving! In honor of the close-ish holiday, I have a question for you:

Coming Soon
If you were a turkey, what horror movie strategy would you use to survive Thanksgiving?
If you were a turkey, what horror movie strategy would you use to survive Thanksgiving?
If you were a turkey, what horror movie strategy would you use to survive Thanksgiving?

Thursday Thoughts

Happiest Post-Hump Day!

November 12, 2020

Good morning, Thursday Thinkers! Although it might now be afternoon or evening. But it is most likely still Thursday. We did it! Let’s celebrate by discussing my thoughts and feelings.

  1. Why do parents get angry when their teenagers sleep in? 

This is what you’ve been waiting for, people! After years and years of waking up at the crack of dawn, you can finally enjoy a peaceful morning. Casually roll out of bed way after the roosters have stopped crowing. You’ll likely still have time to read a book, enjoy a quiet breakfast, and be in charge of the TV remote. You want to ruin this by waking them up? I will not stand for this madness! Not in my house! We will ALL be sleeping in.

  1. Adults should get stickers and trinkets for being brave at the dentist.

Why do only children have access to the coveted bravery chests? Adults know what’s about to happen. The shots. The drilling. The dentist asking us how our summer was while their hand is still in our mouths. We are much more brave. We deserve the clip-on earrings, mini teddy bears, and smiley face temporary tattoos. Until then, I will be visiting a pediatric dentist. 

  1. Why do contractors build kitchens as if everyone is a giant?

Sure, there is plenty of space to put drawers and cabinets up to the lovely vaulted ceiling. But how am I, a very averagely sized short woman, supposed to reach my Crock-Pot up there?  My family and I will surely starve! I would like to speak to the manager!

  1. We need to create a baby bubble (safe for ages 9 months to 18 years)

I understand that it’s frowned upon to put children in actual bubbles. I’m not sure why. Can you please explain it to me like I’m five? Anyway, there HAS to be a better way to protect our very important belongings, and, I suppose, keep the cute little gremlins safe in the process. That’s where Bubble Babies (not to be confused with the critically acclaimed Bubble Guppies) comes in! Simply place the giant bubble around your entire home, enveloping all your Pottery Barn (#ad) knickknacks in a beautiful cushion of joy and safety. Bubble Babies is fully portable, so no need to worry about your mother-in-law’s dangerous fireplace or precariously placed x-acto knives. Bubble Babies has your back. Although not literally. We have yet to test the weight limit. Please keep your hands and feet away from the bubble at all times. 

I must now be off to pitch all my ideas to the Shark Tank investors. I am asking for $5 million dollars in exchange for 2.75% of my company.

Random Ramblings

I’m Busy

November 9, 2020

Do you have a long to-do list? Are you running out of ways to procrastinate? Then you’ve come to the right place! Here is a list of 30 ways to avoid being productive: 

  1. Write other lists. A list of your favorite cats, things you want to learn how to draw, and the best places to buy cronuts. The possibilities are endless! 
  2. Pet a dog. Your dog, my dog, your neighbor’s annoying barker. Please ensure that it is actually a dog and not a wolf or coyote. I take no responsibility for any injuries. 
  3. Brush your teeth. But seriously, please brush your teeth. 
  4. Mismatch all your socks. 
  5. Write “match socks” on your to-do list. Feel proud of yourself for doing something. 
  6. Re-imagine a famous painting on your pinky toenail. I don’t recommend the Mona Lisa. 
  7. Move all your furniture out of the house and sing. It’s important to test the acoustics. 
  8. Give all your furniture away. It’s not worth moving back in, and it’s important to be charitable. 
  9. Learn the actual lyrics to all your favorite songs. 
  10. Forget the actual lyrics to all your favorite songs and rewrite them, Starbucks lovers! 
  11. Practice super dramatic fainting. Is there a way to faint undramatically? Try that, too. 
  12. Watch your least favorite movie over and over until you learn to love it. 
  13. Test the permanency of Sharpies. On your walls, your carpet, and your face. Document your findings in a scientific journal. Profit.
  14. Start a blog about dolphins. 
  15. Open 11 different bank accounts so you can tell people you’re financially diverse. 
  16. Complain about the weather, even if it’s sunny with a high of 75. 
  17. Put on a blindfold and reorganize your kitchen. Remove your blindfold and try to find everything. 
  18. Start a penny collection. Save up until you have $1 to add to each of your bank accounts. Profit again. 
  19. Core all your apples. 
  20. Start a gratitude journal. Only add pictures of chickens. Name every chicken. 
  21. Turn all of your favorite movies into puppet shows. Feel free to change the endings. We all know Jack should have lived, Rose! 
  22. Create your own bird watching club. Don’t invite anyone but the birds. 
  23. Rename every crayon in the box. Tickle Me Pink is just not as good as Broderick. 
  24. Sign every book in your house.
  25. Learn one or two different words in every single language. Write a very difficult to read novel. 
  26. Buy a pizza from 7 different restaurants. Eat one slice of each. Regret everything. 
  27. Learn to play the guitar upside down. 
  28. Mix and match company slogans. I’ll start. Bounty: Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
  29. Host a super exclusive, fancy dinner party. Only invite people who look exactly like you. I’ll see you at my house on Friday, Scarlett Johansson. 
  30. If all else fails, take a nap. Refuse to wake up until people stop expecting you to be productive.

Sunday Shorts

Middle Child Syndrome

November 8, 2020

My second-born dog son has begun regressing. Someone bring DeWalt a treat or some much needed attention STAT!

Just a little baby pupper looking for belly rubs and neck scratchies