Random Ramblings

Do you have a long to-do list? Are you running out of ways to procrastinate? Then you’ve come to the right place! Here is a list of 30 ways to avoid being productive: 

1. Write other lists. A list of your favorite cats, things you want to learn how to draw, and the best places to buy cronuts. The possibilities are endless! 
2. Pet a dog. Your dog, my dog, your neighbor’s annoying barker. Please ensure that it is actually a dog and not a wolf or coyote. I take no responsibility for any injuries. 
3. Brush your teeth. But seriously, please brush your teeth. 
4. Mismatch all your socks. 
5. Write “match socks” on your to-do list. Feel proud of yourself for doing something. 
6. Re-imagine a famous painting on your pinky toenail. I don’t recommend the Mona Lisa. 
7. Move all your furniture out of the house and sing. It’s important to test the acoustics. 
8. Give all your furniture away. It’s not worth moving back in, and it’s important to be charitable. 
9. Learn the actual lyrics to all your favorite songs. 
10. Forget the actual lyrics to all your favorite songs and rewrite them, Starbucks lovers! 
11. Practice super dramatic fainting. Is there a way to faint undramatically? Try that, too. 
12. Watch your least favorite movie over and over until you learn to love it. 
13. Test the permanency of Sharpies. On your walls, your carpet, and your face. Document your findings in a scientific journal. Profit.
14. Start a blog about dolphins. 
15. Open 11 different bank accounts so you can tell people you’re financially diverse. 
16. Complain about the weather, even if it’s sunny with a high of 75. 
17. Put on a blindfold and reorganize your kitchen. Remove your blindfold and try to find everything. 
18. Start a penny collection. Save up until you have $1 to add to each of your bank accounts. Profit again. 
19. Core all your apples. 
20. Start a gratitude journal. Only add pictures of chickens. Name every chicken. 
21. Turn all of your favorite movies into puppet shows. Feel free to change the endings. We all know Jack should have lived, Rose! 
22. Create your own bird watching club. Don’t invite anyone but the birds. 
23. Rename every crayon in the box. Tickle Me Pink is just not as good as Broderick. 
24. Sign every book in your house.
25. Learn one or two different words in every single language. Write a very difficult to read novel. 
26. Buy a pizza from 7 different restaurants. Eat one slice of each. Regret everything. 
27. Learn to play the guitar upside down. 
28. Mix and match company slogans. I’ll start. Bounty: Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
29. Host a super exclusive, fancy dinner party. Only invite people who look exactly like you. I’ll see you at my house on Friday, Scarlett Johansson. 
30. If all else fails, take a nap. Refuse to wake up until people stop expecting you to be productive.

As you may know, I never let a man tell me what to do. Especially not when he’s right. So when The Husband told me I shouldn’t watch Bird Box, I swiftly climbed on the couch and pressed play. 

For anyone who hasn’t seen the beautiful film, here’s a brief synopsis: the once fresh, safe, outdoor air has become contaminated. Anyone who steps or even looks outside will see something that makes them say terrifying things and jump out of windows. There are guns, blindfolds, and a super pissed off John Malkovich. Creepy people try to make everyone else look at the evil monster demons because “it’s so beautiful.” Sandra Bullock feels a lot of feelings. The birds save some people. The End! 

I know I greatly played down the fear factor, but this movie messed. me. up. I couldn’t go outside alone for a few days. I contemplated purchasing a bird. But I managed to suffer through many sleepless nights and eventually thought I was in the clear. I had survived.

Until months later, when the Box managed to infiltrate my slumbering mind.

My dream began mid-post-apocalypse. I had somehow survived the craziness, and The Husband and I were living our “new normal.” Businesses were being run by all the creepy people who were able to safely walk outside. 

On a beautiful Tuesday morning, I decide I deserve a new car. The Husband and I drive (blindfolded, of course), to the nearest dealership. I am finally going to get the Porsche Cayenne. Life is good. 

Our salesperson is very helpful, but his main goal is to get us to take off our blindfolds. “Don’t you want to see the car before you purchase it? How are you supposed to drive while blindfolded?” All good questions, sir, but you won’t be tricking us today! We purchase the car sight unseen at just a little above sticker price. 

We drive off happily. Mission accomplished! 

That is, until I have a major hankering for soup. Not canned soup. Restaurant soup. Preferably served in a bowl of bread, along with a side of bread. 

We head to The Cheesecake Factory, where we are seated outside. Our waiter is so friendly, but keeps saying things like “Oh you want the soup du jour? I would be glad to show you on the menu. Just remove your blindfold…” and “Please look at the soup. It’s so beautiful!”

But we remain strong and blindfolded. Lunch will not be the end of us! We tip generously and make our way safely back to my Porsche. Just as I open the car door, I hear a scream. 

“Husband? Husband?!” I called out, but to no avail. I have no choice. I rip off my blindfold, prepared to save The Husband from all things scary. 

But…nothing is there. No car, no Husband, no Cheesecake Factory. I am all alone on a dirt road. The End! 

Anyway, I’m doing well. Thanks for asking. 

Happy Halloween, my happy halloweenies ❤️

One day, my once wonderfully okay sleeper decided she no longer needed naps. Worried about both our sanities, I decided to spend an exorbitant amount on a children’s app called Moshi. 

At first glance, Moshi is sweet and adorable, full of relaxing music and comforting stories. At second glance, it is a little app of horrors. 

There are many stories to choose from. Stories about mermaids, pandas, and elephants. They all seem so cute and innocent, so I assume it’s not possible to choose incorrectly. 

***Major spoilers ahead***

I decide on a story called Morgan’s Lighthouse Lullaby. I like lullabies. I like lighthouses. I like people named Morgan. What could go wrong? 

The story is read by a lady with a beautiful British accent. She describes the lighthouse in great, rhyming detail. Morgan’s life sounds lovely, until we realize that he is, and I quote, “the world’s most lonely lighthouse keeper.” The poor guy has no days off. He is forced to work in his lighthouse day in and day out, never getting to enjoy the beauty of the world. Capitalism, am I right? 

One day, as he is sulking outside his lighted house, a bird comes up to him, and, I loosely translate, “Yo, what’s your deal?” Morgan immediately breaks down and tells this bird, whose name is Tiki (!!!!T I K I!!!!), about his woes. Instead of being scared off by Morgan’s honesty and troubles, Tiki decides to give Morgan the week off. He promises to man the lighthouse, because how hard could it possibly be? Instead of questioning Tiki’s intentions, strength, or skills, Morgan agrees to this arrangement and nopes right on out of there. He gets in his boat and travels to several random wonders of the world. People recognize Morgan and thank him for his service to the community. Morgan feels happy. I feel happy for Morgan. There is still 15 minutes left of the story. 

Once Morgan decides he’s been praised for his efforts enough, he begins his journey home. He is tired from all the excitement, but not to worry. He just knows Tiki is doing a bang-up job at the lighthouse. 

All of a sudden, a storm strikes! Morgan forges on but soon realizes the light that was once leading him home is no longer visible. “Maybe Tiki fell asleep or flew off in a huff,” Morgan wonders.

Don’t worry, Morgan, Tiki is still there! He is just a poor, weak bird, trying with all his might to continue winding the lamp. He’s doing his very best, but it’s just not good enough. Just as Morgan is about to give up, Tiki remembers he has some bird friends and whistles for them to come help. They drop everything and come to Tiki’s rescue. Together, they are able to wind the lamp, just as Morgan is about to crash his tiny boat!

Morgan gets back home. Tiki takes all the credit for Morgan narrowly avoiding death. They all smile and laugh. Life is good. The birds tell Morgan they will visit him. The end! 

I am at the edge of my literal seat, but my baby conked. 10/10 would recommend. Not all the stories are this intense, but this is my daughter’s favorite one. I bet she will grow up with a Criminal Minds obsession. Maybe one day she will get to enjoy the antics of Agent Morgan and the gang, but for now, she must settle for Moshi Morgan, Lighthouse Keeper Extraordinaire.