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Thursday Thoughts

Thursday Thoughts

Forgot It Was Thursday Thoughts

December 3, 2020

“Don’t you have to be busy to forget things?” I don’t think I like your tone, Tony. I have a lot on my plate. Dog walks. Scheduled TV time. Bagels. Even though I am currently employed by my exhausting extracurriculars, I have managed to think some things. They are very important. I wouldn’t lie to you.

  1. ROBOT DOG BRUSH

The Husband and I have recently hired a robot vacuum for our home. It’s beautiful. Hardworking. Never complains and is always on time. Why aren’t there any robot dog brushes? Does no one else own part husky mixes? If it looked like an ant, my dogs probably wouldn’t even notice it existed! I shall call it the Ant-i Shed. It will be housed in a miniature shed. Patent pending. 

2. There should be more robots in general

I just had so many expectations for the future, which, I assume, is right now. Back to the Future promised real hoverboards. You know, ones that didn’t explode. Wall-E promised I would never be forced to walk again. Yet here I am, with only a SINGLE robot, walking on my own two feet like some chump. 

3. The Husband is currently planning an entire Robot Society.

It  starts with robot baby nail clippers. Robot nannies, for when the robot baby nail clippers inevitably cut a finger. Robot full service maid to pick up after the baby storm. The Husband wants me to add that the robots will be treated properly. Given breaks, food/charging time, love and attention. He is greatly concerned that the robots are reading this right now. 

Where my scientists and engineers at? I see absolutely no reason to hide from all our robot hopes and dreams. All the movies about the coming of the robot have been positive. Try to change my mind.

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday Thoughts

November 26, 2020

Every year, we are forced encouraged to share things we are thankful for. No matter how hard we try to be creative and heartfelt, it’s always the same, typical list: friends, family, happiness. Yada, yada, yada. I am here to share things we should actually be thankful for. 

  1. Indoor plumbing

Porta Potties are icky. Holes are complicated to dig. No one wants to brave the chilly 68 degree middle of the night winter air just to make a tinkle. Thank you, indoor porcelain throne! 

  1. Athleisure wear

Not only is it hip to dress like you’re going for a run, but no one expects you to actually go for a run. We are living in the future!

  1. Microwaveable meals

It is absolute magic that I can have a full on chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and a side of green beans without having to do any work. I know you might argue that these foods are not good for me, even when the box says it’s a “healthy choice.” But you know what else isn’t good for me? Trying to plan meals every single day. Why do we need to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? Whose idea was this? Thank you, microwaveable meals, for keeping me sane. 

  1. Naps!!!!!!!!!

I don’t nap very often, but it’s nice to know that I have the option. Any day, any time, I can drift off in a wonderful daytime dreamland. Anyone can! It’s okay! Go ahead and curl up in your cubicle. Keep doing this until you’re caught and are bestowed the title “Snoozin Susan.” 

  1. Cheese

I reject your bouquet of roses! You may romance me with a bouquet of Roquefort instead. 

  1. Netflix

Constant entertainment at the tips of our fingers? Yes, please! Even in the midst of 2020, new content is being released by the second. Although it also serves as a reminder that they can take anything away from us at any time. Goodbye, Monk. Goodbye, Friends. Goodbye, The Office. Actually, can I change this? Hulu. I’m thankful for Hulu. Hulu would never do us dirty, because their selection is crap anyway. It’s good to keep our expectations low. 

  1. Caffeine

Especially when it tastes like pumpkin. 

  1. Pig Latin 

You can learn an entire, new language in 10 minutes or less. Why isn’t this a foreign language option in schools? This is something I could have passed! 

  1. Stain remover

It is a true blessing to be able to eat spaghetti while wearing white. 

  1. Couches

Need a safe space to sit, nap, or climb? The couch has got your back. Possibly even literally. 

It’s time for me to enjoy a doze on my sectional in my feasting (or yoga, you don’t know!) pants. I leave you with this important question: if you were a chicken nugget, tender, or strip, which fast-food establishment would you be from and why?

Thursday Thoughts

Late Night Thoughts

November 19, 2020

Please forgive the lateness of this post. I have been very busy pretending to be busy. Don’t ask me to elaborate. I am currently extremely busy thinking big thoughts. Important thoughts. Thoughts that have never been thunk before! Okay, fine. It’s one major thought, but there are a few little thoughts thrown in as well. 

The loss of the original (i.e. superior) MySpace has led to a major societal decline. 

I think we can all agree that MySpace was the peak of the World Wide Web. Posting chain bulletins, changing the music on your profile page, learning HTML to make glitter rain down on all your fans. It was a world of beauty. But the most important thing MySpace did for us was the Top 8. For those of you who are young and vibrant and have no understanding of this utopian website, a Top 8 is where you ranked your very favorite top eight friends. Here are some reasons why this was amazing:

  • It allowed us to let our friends know they were in BIG TROUBLE. 

Did Samuel make you sad? Did Danielle do you dirty? There’s no need to have a conversation with them. No need to slash their tires, steal their crushes, or eat all their whipped cream. Just simply put them in their place. And by that, I mean from spot two to three. They will get the hint. 

  • It forced us to prioritize.

In MySpace, there was no such thing as having multiple best friends. There is only one space for your Top 1. So who’s it gonna be, Kathy? Me or Taylor? MAKE A DECISION.

  • It made us feel popular.

Thank you for assuming I have at least eight friends, MySpace. And even if I didn’t, MySpace Tom was always there for me! 

Without the Top 8, we are all just running around mindlessly, wondering where we stand in the world. Does Husband even really love me? Will I ever truly know if my neighbor is mad at me for partially blocking their driveway with my trashcan? Do I even have eight friends? BRB, currently running around in circles, hoping Tom will save me. Oh, what a tangled Thursday World Wide Web we’ve weaved, team.

Thursday Thoughts

Happiest Post-Hump Day!

November 12, 2020

Good morning, Thursday Thinkers! Although it might now be afternoon or evening. But it is most likely still Thursday. We did it! Let’s celebrate by discussing my thoughts and feelings.

  1. Why do parents get angry when their teenagers sleep in? 

This is what you’ve been waiting for, people! After years and years of waking up at the crack of dawn, you can finally enjoy a peaceful morning. Casually roll out of bed way after the roosters have stopped crowing. You’ll likely still have time to read a book, enjoy a quiet breakfast, and be in charge of the TV remote. You want to ruin this by waking them up? I will not stand for this madness! Not in my house! We will ALL be sleeping in.

  1. Adults should get stickers and trinkets for being brave at the dentist.

Why do only children have access to the coveted bravery chests? Adults know what’s about to happen. The shots. The drilling. The dentist asking us how our summer was while their hand is still in our mouths. We are much more brave. We deserve the clip-on earrings, mini teddy bears, and smiley face temporary tattoos. Until then, I will be visiting a pediatric dentist. 

  1. Why do contractors build kitchens as if everyone is a giant?

Sure, there is plenty of space to put drawers and cabinets up to the lovely vaulted ceiling. But how am I, a very averagely sized short woman, supposed to reach my Crock-Pot up there?  My family and I will surely starve! I would like to speak to the manager!

  1. We need to create a baby bubble (safe for ages 9 months to 18 years)

I understand that it’s frowned upon to put children in actual bubbles. I’m not sure why. Can you please explain it to me like I’m five? Anyway, there HAS to be a better way to protect our very important belongings, and, I suppose, keep the cute little gremlins safe in the process. That’s where Bubble Babies (not to be confused with the critically acclaimed Bubble Guppies) comes in! Simply place the giant bubble around your entire home, enveloping all your Pottery Barn (#ad) knickknacks in a beautiful cushion of joy and safety. Bubble Babies is fully portable, so no need to worry about your mother-in-law’s dangerous fireplace or precariously placed x-acto knives. Bubble Babies has your back. Although not literally. We have yet to test the weight limit. Please keep your hands and feet away from the bubble at all times. 

I must now be off to pitch all my ideas to the Shark Tank investors. I am asking for $5 million dollars in exchange for 2.75% of my company.

Thursday Thoughts

Tiny Thursday Thought

November 5, 2020

Fear not, favorite fans! There was a thought had this Thursday! 

Let’s make moving more simple and sell all our belongings along with our houses. 

When I pitched this idea to The Husband, he said “People already do that.” No, no. I mean leave everything. Clothing, guitars, shampoo, government IDs, student loan debt, rusted pennies, etc. 

Imagine living in a world free of moving boxes. Never needing to stress about the ultra-sticky, sharp packing tape. Sure, you may be missing some of your favorite things. Perhaps it’s time to end your baseball card collection. But stop being so negative! I have created a list of all the positives so you can stop telling me this is a bad idea:

  1. It will cut down on wasteful spending.

Would you like to start saving for retirement? Or a house? Or a PONY? Let me help you. If you stop purchasing unnecessary items like hoverboards, dozens of black leggings, and food, you will be able to save between $5 and $7,236 a month. It’s basic math. If you knew you couldn’t take it with you, would you really purchase that non-holey pair of socks? I think not. 

  1. It would make moving suck infinitely less. 

You could just get on your feet and go! I’d say vehicle, but you had to sell that too. Sorry.

  1. Because I said so. 

You really can’t argue with this fact. They even made an entire movie about this. Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton carried that script on their backs. Go watch it. I dare you. 

This is how I imagine the new Zillow listings:

Welcome to Our Cozy Home! This beautiful dwelling space currently belongs to Pam and Jim. They wear a size small or medium in t-shirts and don’t believe in jeans. Their hobbies include fishing, poorly baking boxed cake mixes, and sniffing exotic candles. Oh, and the house is brown. Come tour today! 

Please make this happen for me, as I am currently drowning in U-Haul boxes. I shouldn’t have to live like this. Think of the children! 

Thursday Thoughts

Happy Halloween Eve Eve, Haunted Humans!

October 29, 2020

It’s the third spookiest day of the year, and I am ready to think some spooo000oooo0000ky thoughts!

  1. Why are houses always haunted by evil demon boys named Seth?

Beverly and her husband, Bastille, are looking for a house with character. Perhaps a Victorian home in the middle of Kansas. No neighbors. Stain glass windows. A basement for their mini fridge. The usual. Do they even think to ask the realtor if there’s a possibility that the home is haunted? No, because they are too excited about the secret garden in the backyard! OF COURSE your house is haunted, Beverly and Bastille. You did this to yourselves. You two are about to end up on the Discovery Channel, talking about how Evil Demon Boy Seth wants you dead. 

But this isn’t the kind of haunting I’m afraid of. No, I’m afraid of the haunting in the suburbs. In the unexpected, newly remodeled homes. These are the places that are occupied by friendly neighborhood ghosts named Joe. He is not interested in murdering you in your sleep, terrorizing your family, and making your dolls talk. Ghost Joe just wants to enjoy his afterlife. To do so, he is going to need your remote. That’s right. You will be watching a lifelong marathon of The Real Housewives. Of. Every. City. And you better have a good chunk of money saved, because Ghost Joe will be ordering takeout three times a day. Now you are running a free bed and breakfast. That’s the real nightmare. 

  1. It should be a legal requirement to watch scary movies/shows with subtitles

I’m not a big fan of scary things. Ghost movies I watched years ago haunt my dreams. I can’t look at a mirror in the dark for fear of Bloody Mary finding me. Unfortunately, the only thing I hate more than being scared is being left out. I need to know what happens! Have no fear, self, for there is a solution! I can now enjoy scary things from the comfort of my own home with subtitles. [muffled screams] [loud clanging] [tense music]  not only prepare me for the horrors that are about to occur, but they also bring laughter and enjoyment. I want you all to experience this. Please, turn on your subtitles or pay a hefty fine. Thank you. 

  1. Why do people in horror movies always feel the need to investigate?

I understand these people might not realize they are in a horror movie; HOWEVER, there is no reason ever, ever, ever to go upstairs when you hear suspicious footsteps. 

Beautiful, naive wife: *hears loud thud* “Franklin, is that you?” *waits super patiently for half a second* “Franklin? What are you doing home so early?”

The rest of us: “IT ISN’T FRANKLIN. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.”

Beautiful, naive wife: Let me just go upstairs to investigate.

Look, lady. We have this super awesome device that allows us to talk to our family and friends without ever needing to go upstairs. I call mine Siri, but others might go by different names, like Greta or Ollie. Just as easily as texting “Dinner is ready!” you could ask, “Hey, are you being really loud upstairs, or is there a murderer in the house?” 

  1. Why are there no movies about things adults are actually afraid of? 

I’m not saying I want to be chased by a weapon-wielding madman, but that is not the thought that keeps me up at night. My real fears would make a much more terrifying film. 

-Nina Dobrev forgets to take the trash out on trash night. Bags fill the can to the brim. There is nowhere else to place her garbage. What will she do? How will she survive the week? Spoiler alert: she ends up drowning in the filth. 

-Richard Gere goes to Costco and decides he needs several boxes of frozen meats. After pushing through crowds of angry, sample mobs, he finally arrives back home. He whistles proudly to himself until he realizes he made a terrible mistake: the freezer is already full of several boxes of frozen meats. He has a choice to make: eat as much as he can right now, or let it all rot on his counter. Good luck, Richard. 

Now that we are all sufficiently terrified, I must go eat copious amounts of pre-Halloween candy. Stay spooky, species ❤️

Thursday Thoughts

Thoughts on Thoughts on Thoughts

October 22, 2020

How is it still Not Friday? This day somehow feels like four days in one. Whose idea was this? Have no fear,  for I have thoughts. They are very important. Pull up a chair/couch/standing desk and make yourself at home. Philosophy Philliam is here! 

  1. What do people really mean when they say “make yourself at home” ??? 

Do they know how I live at home? Okay, Alice from Accounting, I will make myself at home. First, I am going to need the remote, a pair of sweatpants, and three party-sized boxes of Cheez-Its. No, we won’t be getting any work done today. This is my safe space. You may leave now. 

  1. Are cats just extremely evolved dogs? 

I know what I’m about to say may upset some people, but just hear me out. Cats and dogs are very similar. They both like to eat. They both sometimes snuggle and sometimes viciously attack. They both hate earthquakes. But they have one very big difference: levels of neediness. 

Let’s just say you want to take a weeklong cruise to Jamaica. If you have a cat, all you have to do is leave Fluffy some food, tell her you love her, and ask your neighbor to scoop the litter box once. Off you go! Life is GOOD! 

Now, let’s say you want me to go to Jamaica with you. I would love to, but now I have to send my dogs to a daycare that charges more than daycare for humans. I have to separate their food into single servings. I have to pack toys, bones, treats, and tell them I love them at LEAST 4 or 5 times. 

Do you need more proof? 

Dogs love cats. Cats hate dogs. That’s obviously because dogs are hopeful for their evolved futures, while cats hate to be reminded of their past embarrassing actions. 

Cats can jump high. EVOLUTION. If you’re not convinced, I don’t know what to tell you. 

  1. We need to create a voice box that changes all annoying sounds to something more pleasant. 

I’m so sorry to turn this into a personal attack, Fran Drescher, but it needs to happen. Dog barking? Have no fear. With the Magical Annoying Sound Fixer 9000 (patent pending), you will soon be hearing a relaxing waterfall. Baby crying? That could be Gilbert Gottfried reading a bedtime story. Tired of hearing Kenny G playing in every elevator? Don’t reach for your headphones. Reach for the Magical Annoying Sound Fixer 9000, and you will never have to hear him again! 

Unfortunately, no one has created a rechargeable battery pack for humans yet. I have waited two whole weeks for CHANGE, but it has not come. I will be suffering from a shortage of thoughts until the scientists start focusing on what really matters. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for attending my NONSENSE Talk. There are refreshments in the lobby. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we are all out of Cheez-Its. 

Regards of neither warm nor best nature,

Philosophy Philliam

Thursday Thoughts

IS IT ALREADY NOT FRIDAY AGAIN?

October 15, 2020

IS IT ALREADY NOT FRIDAY AGAIN?

How often does this happen? Too often, I think. I  was thinking some other things and have decided to share them with you, my very large audience. 

  1. All clumsy people should be sent to space immediately! 

Not as a punishment or anything, but we could really use a lack of gravity. I have recently broken 2 bowls, a soap dish, and several promises. I would love to be able to shop at Pottery Barn (#ad), but I just know all those hundred dollar trinkets don’t stand a chance at a long life in my home. If I were in space, I would never fall or fumble. I would simply float around with all my expensive crockery without a care in the world. I deserve this. 

  1. Why can’t we cry over spilt milk? 

Is this a formal rule? A law? A mere suggestion?  Look, I am trying to raise my daughter right. I have explained to her the dangers of watching R-rated movies, I have not yet let her touch fire, and I encourage her to not swallow rocks. Rocks are friends, not food! 

But even I, the world’s most perfect mother, struggle to explain why she isn’t allowed to cry over spilt milk. Spill some water? Feel free to bawl your eyes out, kid. Spill some soup? That’s how rivers were made. Best practice is to check which liquid has been spilled before crying, just to avoid any dicey situations. 

I’m not sure if this applies to coconut milk. Soy? Flaxseed? OAT? And how are we supposed to hold back our tears? Who created this lawless law?! I would like to speak to the manager! 

  1. Why is breakfast so special?

You can eat these specified foods at any time of the day and be cool. Normal morning breakfast. Brunch. Brinner. Yes, please! But Lord help you if you want to eat dinner foods for breakfast. You want a sandwich? Best be putting some eggs and/or bacon on that bad boy, unless you want everyone to know you’re a PSYCHOPATH. 

Now, let’s just say you had a glorious slumber and wake up craving pie. No one will judge you. That’s BREAKFAST. Whether it’s 9 a.m. or 9 p.m, you are free to enjoy your little slice of heaven. But let’s just say you have finished your dinner (consisting of strictly dinner foods today) and are now craving a pancake. Slow your roll, man. Your treat will have to wait until the sun rises. Pancakes have never been and will never be dessert! 

  1. Would Gordon Ramsay think I’m an idiot sandwich? 

Let’s look at the facts: 

-I once burned top ramen. You can’t judge me. It’s an easy mistake to make. 

-I only know what creme fraiche is because of South Park. Fine, I don’t fully understand. It goes in eggs? On pie? So…it’s a breakfast food? 

-I sometimes (often…) mistake cumin for cinnamon. They both start with C. They are both brown. It really isn’t my fault. 

The jury’s out on this one. Perhaps Gordon Ramsay would  consider me to be something a bit lighter, like an idiot salad. 

  1. If I had unlimited funds, I would hire a choir to follow me around and reiterate everything I say in song form. 

Me, to a nice employee at Bed, Bath, and Beyond: “Um, excuse me? Where do you guys keep your hot pink bath towels? I looked all over the kitchen section but…”

Choir: “But she still hasn’t found 

What she’s looking for

But she still hasn’t found 

What she’s looking for.”

Not only will this bring endless entertainment and joy, but it will also create jobs for unemployed artists. I will hire Coco Chanel (Reese Witherspoon’s dog, of course) and former rapper Vanilla Ice (primarily for backstage work) as well as a few other misfits. It’ll be a real Sister Act situation. 

Unfortunately, in order to get my unlimited funds, unlimited entertainment, and unlimited joy, I will need to marry rich. Please tell the husband I will miss him. Mr. Google is calling my name…

That’s all, folks! It’s time for me to devour some lunch foods at lunch time. I’ve just never been fancy enough for brunch. A virgin screwdriver is just orange juice, after all. 

See you next Not Friday! But not the immediate next one. Or the second one. Or the one after that. 

Thursday Thoughts

Good Morrow, Thoughtful Thursday Thinkers

October 8, 2020

  Welcome to the very first Thursday Thoughts post. Let’s think some big thoughts while we enjoy a cup of iced coffee. Please BYOIC, as well as an entree to share. I like ribs, steak, frozen chicken nuggets, pie, apple juice, thawed chicken nuggets, etc. Please do not get the etc. part incorrect, as there are some things I do not like. Thank you. Now that we are settled, let’s begin.

  1. If I ever have twin boys, I will name them Will and Phil, short for Willip and Philliam

Need I explain the comedic value? No. But I do feel the need to discuss the major issues with allowing hormonal, angry, hungry women to make lifelong name commitments. *Sobbing in my third pint of Ben and Jerry’s* “He shall be called Lamp Junior. Junior being his middle name, of course.” 

  1. Scientists should create a rechargeable battery pack for humans-

I know scientists think things like cancer and vegan makeup are important, but WHY is NO ONE focusing on fixing my sleepiness? Do my ailments not matter because I only complain a little? Only, like, every ten minutes. Think of all the things we could get done if we didn’t need to sleep! We could solve world hunger! Or draw a bunch of cartoon cats! Or start a blog! 

  1. Why are elbows and knees not called els and knees or elbows and kneebows? 

This question has plagued me since middle school. I asked my teachers. They said “because they are called elbows and knees. Now, please, continue reading page 14.” My friends laughed at me. My enemies laughed with them. But who’s laughing now, Jon? Certainly not me, because I still have no answers. 

  1. Unicorns are just deformed horses

I understand that unicorns are supposed to be magical or something. I’ve seen the Harry Potter movies. I don’t fully understand their powers. They don’t fly. That’s a Pegasus. Is there only one of those? He was in Hercules. I haven’t brushed up on my deformed horse knowledge. I apologize. Anyway, if I sprouted a horn on my forehead and got all sparkly, I would most certainly be mocked, not worshipped. I do not believe we should start bullying the poor creatures, but they aren’t special. They need our help. To the vet you go, Uma the Unicorn. We will get you in tiptop shape so you can get back to your horse races. 

  1. Monday through Thursday should just be called Not Friday-

“Hey, Jim, what day is it?”

“I don’t know, man, but it is Not Friday.”

Stop making people feel ashamed for not knowing the days of the week. Our energy should be focused solely on making it to Friday. I will gladly change the title of this category to “Not Friday Thoughts” even though it will ruin the awesome alliteration. VIVA LA REVOLUCION. 

While these are my own thoughts, I feel I represent 100% of the general public. Do I need to give any proof? I don’t want to. I’m too busy thinking big thoughts. Feel free to call me Philosophy Phil, but know that is short for Philliam. 

Think your thoughts, dream your dreams, and eat your eats. Happy last Not Friday!