Please forgive the lateness of this post. I have been very busy pretending to be busy. Don’t ask me to elaborate. I am currently extremely busy thinking big thoughts. Important thoughts. Thoughts that have never been thunk before! Okay, fine. It’s one major thought, but there are a few little thoughts thrown in as well.
The loss of the original (i.e. superior) MySpace has led to a major societal decline.
I think we can all agree that MySpace was the peak of the World Wide Web. Posting chain bulletins, changing the music on your profile page, learning HTML to make glitter rain down on all your fans. It was a world of beauty. But the most important thing MySpace did for us was the Top 8. For those of you who are young and vibrant and have no understanding of this utopian website, a Top 8 is where you ranked your very favorite top eight friends. Here are some reasons why this was amazing:
- It allowed us to let our friends know they were in BIG TROUBLE.
Did Samuel make you sad? Did Danielle do you dirty? There’s no need to have a conversation with them. No need to slash their tires, steal their crushes, or eat all their whipped cream. Just simply put them in their place. And by that, I mean from spot two to three. They will get the hint.
- It forced us to prioritize.
In MySpace, there was no such thing as having multiple best friends. There is only one space for your Top 1. So who’s it gonna be, Kathy? Me or Taylor? MAKE A DECISION.
- It made us feel popular.
Thank you for assuming I have at least eight friends, MySpace. And even if I didn’t, MySpace Tom was always there for me!
Without the Top 8, we are all just running around mindlessly, wondering where we stand in the world. Does Husband even really love me? Will I ever truly know if my neighbor is mad at me for partially blocking their driveway with my trashcan? Do I even have eight friends? BRB, currently running around in circles, hoping Tom will save me. Oh, what a tangled Thursday World Wide Web we’ve weaved, team.