Every year, we are
forced encouraged to share things we are thankful for. No matter how hard we try to be creative and heartfelt, it’s always the same, typical list: friends, family, happiness. Yada, yada, yada. I am here to share things we should actually be thankful for.
- Indoor plumbing
Porta Potties are icky. Holes are complicated to dig. No one wants to brave the chilly 68 degree middle of the night winter air just to make a tinkle. Thank you, indoor porcelain throne!
- Athleisure wear
Not only is it hip to dress like you’re going for a run, but no one expects you to actually go for a run. We are living in the future!
- Microwaveable meals
It is absolute magic that I can have a full on chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and a side of green beans without having to do any work. I know you might argue that these foods are not good for me, even when the box says it’s a “healthy choice.” But you know what else isn’t good for me? Trying to plan meals every single day. Why do we need to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY? Whose idea was this? Thank you, microwaveable meals, for keeping me sane.
I don’t nap very often, but it’s nice to know that I have the option. Any day, any time, I can drift off in a wonderful daytime dreamland. Anyone can! It’s okay! Go ahead and curl up in your cubicle. Keep doing this until you’re caught and are bestowed the title “Snoozin Susan.”
I reject your bouquet of roses! You may romance me with a bouquet of Roquefort instead.
Constant entertainment at the tips of our fingers? Yes, please! Even in the midst of 2020, new content is being released by the second. Although it also serves as a reminder that they can take anything away from us at any time. Goodbye, Monk. Goodbye, Friends. Goodbye, The Office. Actually, can I change this? Hulu. I’m thankful for Hulu. Hulu would never do us dirty, because their selection is crap anyway. It’s good to keep our expectations low.
Especially when it tastes like pumpkin.
- Pig Latin
You can learn an entire, new language in 10 minutes or less. Why isn’t this a foreign language option in schools? This is something I could have passed!
- Stain remover
It is a true blessing to be able to eat spaghetti while wearing white.
Need a safe space to sit, nap, or climb? The couch has got your back. Possibly even literally.
It’s time for me to enjoy a doze on my sectional in my feasting (or yoga, you don’t know!) pants. I leave you with this important question: if you were a chicken nugget, tender, or strip, which fast-food establishment would you be from and why?